Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I cried in class today...

Thank you Dr. Zink and Tracy Chapman for allowing me to cry in class today. Timing is everything, and the fact that we happened to talk about the heart in my Marriage and Family Counseling class today was God's goodness and sovereignty. I am a woman who feels deeply in every category of life. When I feel pain and hurt, I feel it intensely. When I feel joy, it is complete and contageous.

Today when Dr. Zink played Tracy Chapman's "Remember the Tinman" I was given permission by her sad voice, thoughtful picking of her guitar, and the very insightful lyrics to ask myself some of the questions in her song. I am quieted and stirred at the same time. I am thankful that the LORD promises He is near the brokenhearted.

If we are all honest with ourselves, I think we would recognize the hurt in our hearts that we just live with every day but ignore because, well, it hurts to think about it. My dad always tells me to guard my heart and every once in a while I'll just get a text message from him that says "GYH". I love that my earthly Father has a desire to see my heart be protected from what Tracy sings of, and I love even more that my heavenly Father makes a way for our hearts to be healed when they are hurt. For we live in a fallen world and we sin against each other, hurt is inevitable. Pain is inescapable. And yet, we have a great Father who is our Healer, our Shepherd, our Protector. And we have the confidence that in the end, He will reign over the one who seeks to kill and destroy us.

But praise be to God who loves us enough to change our broken hearts, our broken spirits, and our broken souls and do something so outrageous to bring us back to Him. In chapel the other day I was reminded that it is His kindness that leads us to repentence. His kindness that woos me into His sovereign and strong arms.

"Remember The Tinman" lyrics

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one
Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back
Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Laughter is the Best Medicine


From the first moment, laughter has characterized my interactions with the new friends I've made at seminary. Whether we are playing a game of Taboo, sitting around talking, enjoying a beer at a local pub, or cheering at a Cardinals game, one thing is consistent....belly laughter. I'll never forget riding in a car with 4 perfect strangers (pictured on the right) to the Concert on the Levee to see One Republic and fireworks by the Arch and becoming friends through laughter. I had only known these people maybe 25 min of my life and yet we were roaring with laughter as we shared stories about our lives.


My dearest new soul sister here in St Louis is such a joy and blessing my my life because she and I laugh heartily about nearly everything, ok actually everything. Sara Frances and I share a love for laughter and also share in the opinion that 80% of the things that happen throughout the day are absolutely hysterical. What an answer to prayer to have such a like hearted friend in a new place so soon!




This community not only loves the LORD with depth and passion, but we love to laugh.....Classes start in 4 days, and I have made countless memories in a community of people seeking to serve Jesus, grow in Him, and love others.

God is so good! He knows that for His daughter laughter is indeed the best medicine as I transition in a new place and sort through the expectations I have of what my new season of life will be. Laughter is good for my broken heart and sinful heart, and good for my heart that is simultaneously full of life and thankfulness. The medicine it brings is something unlike any other drug or salve. I always sleep well at night after I've had a good belly life - either at myself or with others, and I will sleep very very well tonight.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Hello post-card readers!!

Thanks for visiting my blog! If you just got my most recent post-card you are probably here to read the whole story of how God led me to leave staff with The Navigators and go to Seminary to puruse a MA in Counseling.....well.....here ya go:

To see pics of the campus click here

To read the story of how God called me to go back to school, read the story here

To see fun pics at the St Louis Zoo, click here

And to check out the home that God provided for me with the Tates, click here


Much love and blessing to you all!

Call to Prayer


I've been in St Louis now for just about one month and I love it! I'm making new friends quickly, I love the Tates - the family I'm living with, I found a church I feel at home in, and I'm eager to begin classes in just a few short weeks. The one missing piece is a part-time job.

Over the last 3 weeks I have searched, interviewed, asked, networked, dropped off my resume, applied...and I've had several very ridiculous interviews. But to no avail. In the most recent one (which I was recruited for) I left part the way through the interview and simply told them that it wasn't going to be a good fit for me to sell life insurance to union workers while in grad school. What a joke!

I've looked into almost everything you can think of. I still have a few more ideas up my sleeve, but I covet your prayers as I continue to wait on God's timing to provide for this need. When I look at my budget, and the calendar, and upcoming expenses like ya know, books, and a new drivers license, and new tires for my car (because there's winter here!!), etc.....it's tempting to become anxious.

It's funny, I thought that when I stopped fundraising I wouldn't have to still trust God for financial provision in the same way, and here I am still feeling some of the same things I have every summer for the last four years with regard to money. Bottom line is, I rest in the fact that we serve a Sovereign God and He has a plan and will continue to provide for me! But I also believe in the power of prayer when God's kids come together in unity to ask Him for something.

Friday, July 04, 2008

It's STILL Emily's Blog....Don't worry.

I decided to give my blog a new and fresh look with this new and fresh season of life I'm entering into......don't panic!! It's still me! :-)

Thanks to all of you who faithfully follow my life via the internet.

I'm moving to St Louis on Sunday July 6 with my friend Sharon Denny - what a gift my friends are to me. Yesterday my best friend Meredith and her husband Ben had a 10 hour layover in Phoenix on their way home from Nepal. What a precious gift to have a dear sister here during a busy and emotional time. Today, another best friend, Joni decided to buy a plane ticket to come and help me pack and give me lots of hugs. Yet again, the LORD knows my needs and is choosing to meet them in unbelievable ways.

Can't wait to have more things to boast in our LORD about.....I'm sure sooner than later.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I'm Goin to The Lou

This is my future home!! At least for a little while. I visited St Louis last weeked, had an interview with my future professor and met several of the admissions folks at Covenant and fell in love with the place. It's amazing how when God leads us and we take steps of faith to follow Him in trust and obedience, how He blesses and blesses and blesses. One of my favorite passages of scripture is Deuteronomy 28 that highlights the blessings from God when we obey Him vs the curses when we disobey.


Throughout my lifetime God has given me a heart that fears Him and longs to walk closely with Him. This new step in my ministry and development is a part of that commitment! Check out the campus and how pretty it is!!







For the whole story about how God led me to go back to school for Counseling.....check out my post Yes LORD, Fill in the Blank

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Go Straightaway

I love creative people. This is so stinkin cool!!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Yes LORD, Fill in the Blank



When I was a sophomore in college I attended a Navigator conference that gave me my motto: “Yes Lord….fill in the blank.” Whatever the Lord asked of me, the answer was yes. He just needed to fill me in when the time was right. Since then, my decision to obey has followed me through trials and joys.

The first trial was to seek out an estranged friend. I had avoided this, but the Lord wouldn’t let me! I was compelled despite the difficulty of reconnecting. We met and were able to reconcile our relationship. It was a test of faithfulness to follow through on my commitment to God though it risked my heart.

The next test came years later through the opportunity of EDGE Corps. I was in a sense blind when I decided to “give my life away for the sake of the gospel” in an unknown location. What an adventure! It was my first “Yes” to the Lord with regard to my career. When I was assigned to minister at Arizona State University I was excited to leave the Mid-West and see what God was doing elsewhere.

I arrived at ASU with a lot of excitement and a lot of issues. A long road lay ahead on which the Lord would “hedge up my way” and “draw me out into the desert to speak tenderly to me.” (Hosea 2) During my first year in the desert I was set free from performing the tap dance I did to please others. I was released from codependency. I let go of masks I had carried for so many years. And I began to recognize my own voice. It was in the desert that I learned my identity.

Before freedom came, I needed help. I’ll never forget the day I realized my exhaustion. It was on a Monday morning staff meeting in November 2004. Mike, my director, played a video of a plenary session from the national 2003 Nav staff conference. The speaker was a stranger to me, a man wearing a purple shirt, pacing on a stage, and giving me a language for the things I didn’t even realize I needed a language for! I was given words for dynamics in my relationship with Jesus–

"I’m so tired."
"God we are going to be close now!"
"I’m fine."
"Fixing my sin isn’t working anymore."


I knew that I had been losing my sense of self-worth and that I was so tired of striving to fix my sin in order to be close with Jesus. I had no idea that the man in the purple shirt, John Lynch and his colleagues Bill Thrall and Bruce McNicol would become personal friends and heroes in my life over the next three years.

One of my EDGE Corps buddies had been talking about a counselor in Tucson that did intensive counseling retreats. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed it. In December 2004 my life and my heart changed from my first experience of professional Christian counseling. I left exhausted and emotionally spent, but with a new sense of freedom because God had used this counselor to reveal deep things I couldn’t reach on my own. It was as if I had been running into a brick wall until someone else asked the right questions and filtered my story through a gentle sieve to let the excess run through and see what remained.

All the while I was learning how to disciple young women as my vocation and loving it. Relating deeply with others has always come easily and I found students felt at ease sharing with me. In my discipleship relationships over the last four years women have often said, “Emily, I’ve never told anyone this before…” God has given me the ability to ask questions, the skill of listening, and intuition developed through maturity. These have all been clues of the next adventure on the horizon. God just hadn’t filled in the blank yet.

After I completed EDGE Corps, I was invited to remain at ASU for Staff in Training. I was delighted. As my second year of SIT has come and quickly drawn to a close the question I’ve been asking of myself and others is, “What are you going to do next year?” In the fall of ’07 I sensed that I would be leaving ASU and heading to a new campus with a new team. Since then it’s been clear the Lord had other things in mind. There wasn’t really a place for a new team with a single staff woman at my level of experience. But, I trusted the Lord.

Every year, for four years people have asked me, “So do you think that ministry is what you will do for the long term?” My response has always been, “Yep! Unless the Lord leads otherwise, this is what I’ll do!” It wasn’t until December 2007 that I began articulating that if I were to ever do something different, I would become a counselor. Ironically enough, the Lord was beginning to lead…

While house sitting for friends in November 2007, I was thinking through the things God has taught me over the years, the story He’s written for my life. It was as if I heard the LORD say, “What if you used your story to usher others into freedom? What if you created a safe place to let women talk about their struggles?” I was stunned and intrigued. It was an opportunity to give to a group of women at ASU what I longed to have when I was a student. My dream to have a ministry that reflects Isaiah 61:1-4 was about to come true in a very special context.

This Bible study has been a tool in my life to open my eyes to my gifting and passion to see women step into freedom and healing. Over the course of the semester I realized that this is what I am made for!

As a result, I’ve prayed a great deal about my future. The logical direction is that I would be a women’s director or trainer. I have asked myself, “Do I want to be an older single staff woman who is the women’s director on a campus for the next ten years?” While conferring with Sue Jones, a faithful friend and mentor, I actually expressed this strain in my desires for my career for the first time aloud. I was actually able to answer my own question, and to my surprise, the answer was no. I love discipling women, I love the vision of The Navigators, I love leading Bible studies and pouring into the next generation. I have enjoyed every moment of my experience with The Navigators, so it was shocking to me to realize that I wasn’t excited to take that next logical step. So what was God doing?

Over lunch with my dear friend Grace Thrall, I expressed unforgiveness against someone I had been recently hurt by. We discussed a principle of grace related to forgiveness I had just been learning about. That day I was able to forgive and allow the power of the blood of Jesus to cleanse me from the sin done against me. What happened in the Heavens because of my forgiveness set the ball in motion the very next day.

In four days I had seven conversations with people to process my thoughts. A mentor, a boss, my parents, a counseling student, my brother, an old college roommate, and the Lord were my “multitude of counselors” during those four days. The feedback I received helped me to clarify my decision. At that point I knew I was to go back to school to seek a Masters in Counseling.

The prophet Isaiah tells of a man who clearly apprehends his sinfulness and cries out to God for help. He is cleansed and made new. Immediately God calls out for someone to go for Him and this man, in his new freedom and health stands and says, “Here am I. Send me.” I have been cleansed and made new over the last four years and God is now releasing me into my destiny.

My friend John Lynch explained an image in that fateful video three years ago. Jesus is a conductor at a train station with a ticket for you. But you have to be ready to take it and get on the train. Only those who have learned to let go of their masks and humbly trust God with their identity are ready for their ticket. Those who have learned to give and receive love, repent, and forgive are ready to be released into their destiny – the place they were made to live and dispense grace to others. It’s like a butterfly who was once a caterpillar. It always had the butterfly within, but a chrysalis was necessary for time to grow, change, and transform into what was already true about it.

I believe I’m at the train station now. The ticket is extended and I am ready to go and do what I was made for. The Navigators has groomed me for this next season of my life, though I thought God had filled in the blank once and for all with this career. But there is a new blank to be filled and I cannot deny His swift and strong leading. The decision to pursue a Masters in Counseling is clearly the direction God is leading and doors are being opened for me to attend a seminary to equip me with this degree in the Fall ’08. I’m overwhelmed by the times and ways of our Heavenly Father. The next step, step onto the train!