When I was a sophomore in college I attended a Navigator conference that gave me my motto: “Yes Lord….fill in the blank.” Whatever the Lord asked of me, the answer was yes. He just needed to fill me in when the time was right. Since then, my decision to obey has followed me through trials and joys.
The first trial was to seek out an estranged friend. I had avoided this, but the Lord wouldn’t let me! I was compelled despite the difficulty of reconnecting. We met and were able to reconcile our relationship. It was a test of faithfulness to follow through on my commitment to God though it risked my heart.
The next test came years later through the opportunity of EDGE Corps. I was in a sense blind when I decided to “give my life away for the sake of the gospel” in an unknown location. What an adventure! It was my first “Yes” to the Lord with regard to my career. When I was assigned to minister at Arizona State University I was excited to leave the Mid-West and see what God was doing elsewhere.
I arrived at ASU with a lot of excitement and a lot of issues. A long road lay ahead on which the Lord would “hedge up my way” and “draw me out into the desert to speak tenderly to me.” (Hosea 2) During my first year in the desert I was set free from performing the tap dance I did to please others. I was released from codependency. I let go of masks I had carried for so many years. And I began to recognize my own voice. It was in the desert that I learned my identity.
Before freedom came, I needed help. I’ll never forget the day I realized my exhaustion. It was on a Monday morning staff meeting in November 2004. Mike, my director, played a video of a plenary session from the national 2003 Nav staff conference. The speaker was a stranger to me, a man wearing a purple shirt, pacing on a stage, and giving me a language for the things I didn’t even realize I needed a language for! I was given words for dynamics in my relationship with Jesus–
"I’m so tired."
"God we are going to be close now!"
"I’m fine."
"Fixing my sin isn’t working anymore."
I knew that I had been losing my sense of self-worth and that I was so tired of striving to fix my sin in order to be close with Jesus. I had no idea that the man in the purple shirt, John Lynch and his colleagues Bill Thrall and Bruce McNicol would become personal friends and heroes in my life over the next three years.
One of my EDGE Corps buddies had been talking about a counselor in Tucson that did intensive counseling retreats. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed it. In December 2004 my life and my heart changed from my first experience of professional Christian counseling. I left exhausted and emotionally spent, but with a new sense of freedom because God had used this counselor to reveal deep things I couldn’t reach on my own. It was as if I had been running into a brick wall until someone else asked the right questions and filtered my story through a gentle sieve to let the excess run through and see what remained.
All the while I was learning how to disciple young women as my vocation and loving it. Relating deeply with others has always come easily and I found students felt at ease sharing with me. In my discipleship relationships over the last four years women have often said, “Emily, I’ve never told anyone this before…” God has given me the ability to ask questions, the skill of listening, and intuition developed through maturity. These have all been clues of the next adventure on the horizon. God just hadn’t filled in the blank yet.
After I completed EDGE Corps, I was invited to remain at ASU for Staff in Training. I was delighted. As my second year of SIT has come and quickly drawn to a close the question I’ve been asking of myself and others is, “What are you going to do next year?” In the fall of ’07 I sensed that I would be leaving ASU and heading to a new campus with a new team. Since then it’s been clear the Lord had other things in mind. There wasn’t really a place for a new team with a single staff woman at my level of experience. But, I trusted the Lord.
Every year, for four years people have asked me, “So do you think that ministry is what you will do for the long term?” My response has always been, “Yep! Unless the Lord leads otherwise, this is what I’ll do!” It wasn’t until December 2007 that I began articulating that if I were to ever do something different, I would become a counselor. Ironically enough, the Lord was beginning to lead…
While house sitting for friends in November 2007, I was thinking through the things God has taught me over the years, the story He’s written for my life. It was as if I heard the LORD say, “What if you used your story to usher others into freedom? What if you created a safe place to let women talk about their struggles?” I was stunned and intrigued. It was an opportunity to give to a group of women at ASU what I longed to have when I was a student. My dream to have a ministry that reflects Isaiah 61:1-4 was about to come true in a very special context.
This Bible study has been a tool in my life to open my eyes to my gifting and passion to see women step into freedom and healing. Over the course of the semester I realized that this is what I am made for!
As a result, I’ve prayed a great deal about my future. The logical direction is that I would be a women’s director or trainer. I have asked myself, “Do I want to be an older single staff woman who is the women’s director on a campus for the next ten years?” While conferring with Sue Jones, a faithful friend and mentor, I actually expressed this strain in my desires for my career for the first time aloud. I was actually able to answer my own question, and to my surprise, the answer was no. I love discipling women, I love the vision of The Navigators, I love leading Bible studies and pouring into the next generation. I have enjoyed every moment of my experience with The Navigators, so it was shocking to me to realize that I wasn’t excited to take that next logical step. So what was God doing?
Over lunch with my dear friend Grace Thrall, I expressed unforgiveness against someone I had been recently hurt by. We discussed a principle of grace related to forgiveness I had just been learning about. That day I was able to forgive and allow the power of the blood of Jesus to cleanse me from the sin done against me. What happened in the Heavens because of my forgiveness set the ball in motion the very next day.
In four days I had seven conversations with people to process my thoughts. A mentor, a boss, my parents, a counseling student, my brother, an old college roommate, and the Lord were my “multitude of counselors” during those four days. The feedback I received helped me to clarify my decision. At that point I knew I was to go back to school to seek a Masters in Counseling.
The prophet Isaiah tells of a man who clearly apprehends his sinfulness and cries out to God for help. He is cleansed and made new. Immediately God calls out for someone to go for Him and this man, in his new freedom and health stands and says, “Here am I. Send me.” I have been cleansed and made new over the last four years and God is now releasing me into my destiny.
My friend John Lynch explained an image in that fateful video three years ago. Jesus is a conductor at a train station with a ticket for you. But you have to be ready to take it and get on the train. Only those who have learned to let go of their masks and humbly trust God with their identity are ready for their ticket. Those who have learned to give and receive love, repent, and forgive are ready to be released into their destiny – the place they were made to live and dispense grace to others. It’s like a butterfly who was once a caterpillar. It always had the butterfly within, but a chrysalis was necessary for time to grow, change, and transform into what was already true about it.
I believe I’m at the train station now. The ticket is extended and I am ready to go and do what I was made for. The Navigators has groomed me for this next season of my life, though I thought God had filled in the blank once and for all with this career. But there is a new blank to be filled and I cannot deny His swift and strong leading. The decision to pursue a Masters in Counseling is clearly the direction God is leading and doors are being opened for me to attend a seminary to equip me with this degree in the Fall ’08. I’m overwhelmed by the times and ways of our Heavenly Father. The next step, step onto the train!
