Thank you for all your prayers for Daniel and me over the last few days. Sometimes life possesses so much beauty and tragedy all at the same time that it makes it hard to breath. I haven't been able to catch my breath since I got to Seattle on Sunday afternoon. Every time I take in a breath, the sadness and grief seem to constrict the capacity of my lungs and I just can't seem to get enough air in. Mourning is so strange.
Just two days after our honeymoon, my beloved husband got on a plane to Seattle to be with his dying Mom. Things were looking very grim and I could hardly handle being apart from him any longer, so I came on Sunday. We went directly to the hospital where each of Daniel's siblings and spouses went into the room one by one to tell Barbara that she had permission to go home. We said our tearful goodbyes and waited. I cannot tell you the kind of beauty and strength I saw in my husband that day. He wept on his mother's face and shoulder, recounting sweet memories and things she used to say to him, apologizing and forgiving for whatever came to his mind, telling her of the beauty of going home so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. Seeing DH tenderly care for his dying mother gave me a greater love for him, and a pre-mature confidence in the kind of care I might one day have on my death bed from the man I love. I am more confident than ever that I am in good hands. Ten days into marriage is certainly not the time you think you will contemplate the death of your spouse or your own death. We said, "till death do us part" in our vows, but it is just so awful to actually be faced with death this soon.
I don't remember who said it, but someone wrote that grief is like walking to the top of the stairs and thinking that there was one more step. Your foot falls a little more heavily than you anticipated it would. You are caught off guard, off balance, and it is a bit of a shock. Though we are all thankful that Barbara is with Jesus and no longer suffering, it is still a bit jarring to not have that last expected step under our feet.
My hope is that I will learn more and more about Barbara in the coming days and years so that I will somehow feel like I knew her. I never really had the chance to get to know her. Daniel's memories will teach me, and I am an eager learner. Barbara wrote several Bible studies and I hope to use those studies in my ministry to women, because they are amazingly written, but also because it will be a way for me to know her heart.
I'm surprised at the number of words I now have. Yesterday I could hardly talk about it.
The service is going to be at 2pm on Friday afternoon at Greenlake Presbyterian Church (6318 Linden Avenue North, Seattle, WA 98103-5659; (206) 789-7320)
The address for Phil Proctor (Barbara's husband) is: 14842 Wallingford Ave N, Shoreline, WA 98133.
Thanks again for your prayers and love for us,
Emily
